Know which requests deserve a 'yes'

Patrick recommends starting with one essential question: "Is this request worth it or not?"

Some requests — what Patrick calls "pass-the-salt" requests — are easy to fulfill yet very helpful to others.

"Let's say you are a whiz at Excel and you have the opportunity to help a co-worker who doesn't know the program at all," Patrick writes. "You could do a task in a few minutes that might take the other person days to figure out."

Other requests can be far more demanding, offering little benefit in return.

"A friend might ask you to bake a complex dish for a potluck dinner because the meal is your specialty. ("Can you make your lasagna?") These requests require careful scrutiny and often warrant a firm no," Patrick writes.

Learning to evaluate the true cost and value of a request, Patrick says, is the first step in being able to say no with conviction. 

How to say no effectively

1.       Set personal policies

Saying no becomes easier when you eliminate the need to deliberate each time. Patrick recommends creating "personal policies" — firm boundaries based on your values and priorities.

"[W]e need to set up principles for ourselves — I call these personal policies — that clearly define what we will accept and what we won't, and stick to them," Patrick writes.

These rules might reflect how you want to manage your time, energy, or workload. For example:

• "I don't take on new projects till I am well under way with my progress on the ones already on my plate."
•  "I don't take calls or meetings after 6 p.m. or on the weekends, because that is family time."

When you ground your decisions in clearly defined principles, refusals feel less personal and more purposeful.

"These predetermined rules strengthen your resolve and make refusal feel natural," Patrick writes.

3. Skip the excuses — and the 'ghosting'

Many people bungle their refusals by offering flimsy excuses, hedging, or avoiding the conversation altogether. But according to Patrick, that only creates confusion or resentment.

"Some use avoidance and assume that the asker will 'get' their refusal from their silence or disappearance … Askers interpret this as nonresponsive — which it is," Patrick writes.

Others try to soften the blow with half-answers, like: "No, but if you really want me to, I'll do it."

Instead, Patrick recommends a firm and gracious "no," grounded in your personal policy and delivered with warmth. If you're not ready to answer, Patrick says to consider buying time more confidently: "I will have to get back to you. Let me look at my calendar."

Above all, Patrick cautions, avoid giving explanations that invite negotiation.

"[D]on't give excuses when you say no. It invites questions. Instead, be firm and resolute. If you say, for instance, you are too busy now, you leave the door to the other person asking again," Patrick writes.

The outcome: More trust, not less

Saying no doesn't damage your personal image — it can enhance it, Patrick argues.

"People perceive you as more decisive and purpose-driven when you say no the right way," Patrick writes, "[a]nd people would much rather have you say no upfront than say yes and then drop the ball later."

In contrast, overcommitting and underdelivering can hurt both your relationships and your reputation.

"You are not doing your reputation any favors by biting off more than you can chew," Patrick writes.

When you say no clearly and confidently, others see you as reliable and intentional — and you're more likely to deliver on the commitments you do make.

"Say yes to that challenge," Patrick writes.